In our home, just like with any Catholic family, we have lots of sacred images and objects. And among these, my favorite is our crucifix. It’s just beautiful…and when you actually get to see it in person, you can say that it’s almost life-like!
The thing about this crucifix is, in the past, every time I looked at it, I would always feel a sense of shame and guilt, knowing it was my sins that crucified Him, and worse, I keep doing it still. Yes, we crucify Jesus all over again when we sin (if you’re a Protestant and we don’t share that same POV, we can discuss it in the comments or just send me a message).
So there were times that when I would pass by and glimpse at this image of Jesus hanging on the cross, I would almost always instantly look away, most especially if I had just done something stupid. The remorse was just far too great. And even if I would adore the crucifix with my hands, kiss it, and whisper the words, “I’m sorry,” thank You, and “I love You,” there seemed to be always a voice at the back of my head that would say “Don’t you think you’re being hypocritical? You keep saying You love Him but why do keep sinning? Why are still such a mess? You should know better by now…”
I don’t know…I guess it’s just the melancholic Catholic in me. Some would call it scrupulosity. But at the same time, I know that the voice inside my head is still true as well–I am a hypocrite. I say one thing, and do another. I profess the Catholic faith but I don’t live out my baptism and bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit. I’m unkind, prideful, slothful, easily-angered and annoyed, among others…in truth, I am wicked. And that’s a far cry from someone who aims–and even claims–to be Christ-centered.
But then one day, as grace would have it, God spoke to me:
“Look up, daughter. Don’t bow your head in shame. Don’t look away. Just adore Me. Adore My sacrifice. Adore My precious blood. Adore My sacred heart. I came for all your sins, failings, and weaknesses. I know you are sorry and you are trying your best. I don’t mind you bringing them to over, and over again. I won’t get tired of listening to You. I won’t get tired of forgiving you. Yes, you are a mess, but you are My mess and I love you. I always have and I always will. And I will never stop loving you. There’s no amount of sin in this world that can stop Me from loving you. So don’t worry anymore and stop being sad. I love you.”
I truly thank God for blessing me with this insight. Many times in the past, when I gave into my weaknesses and allowed myself to fall into sin even if I already knew better, I would just start to hate myself. They say to “hate the sin, but love the sinner” but I don’t know…it was hard for me to do that with myself. It was only later on that I realized that charity is a virtue that is first and foremost bestowed upon your own self. We’ve been taught to be loving, patient, and forgiving toward others, but do we apply the same principle toward our own selves? For most of my life, my answer to that is no. But thank God for the grace to make a change.
So now, I’ve learned to love myself in all my mess–sins, failings, weaknesses, the troubles I’ve put myself in–just like how Christ loves me. And instead of looking away and feeling guilty whenever I would see our crucifix, I now just confidently, trustingly, lovingly, peacefully, and happily place myself in the Sacred Heart of Jesus and say:
I adore You, oh Christ, and I bless You, because by Your Holy Cross You have redeemed the world.
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